A Public Nuisance

As he said last week, Mr Headlander and his long suffering spouse are having a break out of town this week. They’ve gone for a drinking week up in Scotland and they’ve asked me to stand in for them. No problem here – I’ve got lots and lots to sound off about. I’m also uploading this a bit early as I’ll be too busy on Thursday or Friday making money… heh heh heh!

 

Let me introduce myself. I’m the landlord of the “Pint and Fight” and in this blog Headlander usually calls me “Hugh Jaynus”. He has told everyone that I picked this name to be known as but it’s not true, he did… ho ho ho (not)! I’ve been in the pub business for nearly twenty years now and have seen a few things in my time so I thought you might like to hear about the Hartlepool drinking experience from the point of view of us folks behind the bar (Well, me anyway and I’m the one that counts)!

 

I don’t like serving drunks: - As a publican you can’t choose who comes in to your pub but you can choose not to serve them. If you walk into my boozer and you are a bit drunk then I’m likely to serve you but if you’re absolutely brained then no way. If you’re a regular I might make sure you get home OK but as a stranger you’ll be out on your ear. Occasionally a complete lunatic will come in the pub and want to be served or just be annoying to the customers. They have to go straightaway or the other customers can get upset or even leave. I have been in a few other pubs in the town that don’t seem to follow this rule and let some bloody idiot ruin a quiet drink for everybody. Sling ‘em out!

 

I am hard but fair: – What I say as the landlord goes… as Al Murray says: “My House… My Rules”! If I want to close early I can (but I’d be mad to as I’d probably lose money). I’m in the pub trade to make money first and foremost but I also do enjoy meeting people – In this business you have to. Most folks that come in are great and are just out for a drink or a laugh but anyone giving any chew to me or my staff will get the rough end of my boot up their backside as the door is slammed shut behind them. Sling ‘em out!

 

A bit of bad language is OK: - Anyone who drinks in a pub in Hartlepool is liable to hear a choice selection of swear words, particularly if they sit around the bar. The bar staff will ignore them all except the worst ones (c’mon you know which one in particular I mean) and will warn you not to say it again. A second offence means that you’re going home early. Sling ‘em out!

 

Drink for any reason you like: - Drink what you like in my pub and enjoy it but if you go home so drunk you can’t stand and fall in front of a bus I can, in some circumstances, be held liable… so if you are going to do this then make sure you don’t survive and that there are no witnesses!

 

Bring your sense of humour and leave your prejudices behind: - I once worked in a pub in Scotland where the Rangers/Celtic rivalries would occasionally spill over into scuffles or even the odd fight outside. How stupid can you get, who cares if your team wins or loses, just get over it (saying that, don’t come in on a Saturday after ‘Pools have got thrashed and point and laugh at any fans or you’ll get exactly what you deserve). Incidentally, I solved the Rangers/Celtic problem by threatening to ban football from the pub in question completely unless we all supported the same team so a map was found and a dart thrown at it and it landed on… Macclesfield! After that we were all united in grief every week and the club sent us scarves and team pics to put up in the bar.

 

Don’t ask for credit: - I’m not a banker so I won’t cash cheques as long as the bank doesn’t sell lager. If you can’t afford to drink don’t do it. If you are a helpless alcoholic who buys beer before paying the bills and feeding the family then you have my sympathy – but for heaven’s sake get help!

 

Running a pub in Hartlepool is no more difficult than it would be in a lot of other towns and we have our fair share of fools and those who can’t take a drink without wanting to fight the world. People like this just shouldn’t be allowed to drink. I don’t mind the happy drunk, the drunk who falls asleep in the corner (providing he’s got some mates with him who can carry him out) or even the drunk who throws up in the loos and goes home. The fighting drunk is the scourge of pubs though – that idiot who’s looking everyone in the pub up and down and is looking for any excuse to have a scrap. What publican in his right mind would want his custom? Certainly not me! I hate these guys with a passion – they make the publican’s life a real misery. Take them somewhere quiet and hit them with cricket bats until they gain some sense or even better give them a pre-frontal lobotomy before they hurt or maim someone innocent.

 

Perhaps someone should open a bar for these mad lads (we could call it Violence). Let’s put a bare knuckle fighting ring in it and have bouts between drunken louts. The winner is the first to break the neck of the other one. What’s the prize for the winner? You get to live!

 

From a publican’s point of view the worst drunks to handle are women. If a woman gets drunk and chooses to get violent what can I do? I certainly can’t touch her and I definitely can’t hit her! All I can do is take her drink away, threaten to call the police and hope she leaves. If she doesn’t then I have to call the cops as it’s an offence not to leave a public house when asked and they’ll take her away and lock her up until she cools off. What a lovely end to her night and her dignity.

 

It’s enough to make you give up drinking! Isn’t it?

 

 

Cheers!

 

Hugh

 

ps. – He’ll be back next week and no doubt will be having a whine on about the trains, drains, rains or pains as usual.