Good evening and here is the Ten o’ Clock news, read by Moira Stewart…
… “Today a hard working, long serving female news reader was fired from the BBC for allegedly being too old and ugly to face the TV cameras anymore. Moira Stewart, 55, from London, was said to be ‘very distraught’ at the loss of her job but her future was saved after the offer of a promising career move reading the news on a new North Eastern television channel - MHTV, Monkey Hanger Television, based in the lovely tropical paradise of Hartlepool…
…“A spokesman for the channel was quoted as saying that even though she is 55 that she’s ‘still a cracker’ and he was ‘looking forward to having her’. He later added the words ‘working at the station’ to his statement.”
The script for her first on air news broadcast for MHTV has been leaked and some wag has passed it on to the Headlander - who has decided to publish and be damned! Here goes:
Good evening and here is the Ten o’ Clock News from MHTV, read by Moira Stewart…
…BONG - Hartlepool Man arrested for drinking in
Church Street…
…BONG - Ship arrives at docks sensation…
…BONG - West View woman injures her knee scare…
…BONG - Sun comes up and then goes down again revelation!
Last Night in Hartlepool’s Church Street a drunken brawl erupted after a local man, Mr Angus McCoatup, 22, on his way home from his job as a cloakroom attendant in a nearby nightclub, attempted to kiss a police horse named Dobbin, aged 8. After locking lips with the hairy animal the horse was said to be a little upset as Mr McCoatup tried to slip him the tongue. Mr McCoatup was then struck on the head by the baton of Dobbin’s rider, PC Plod, 26, and a brief scuffle ensued which resulted in the arrest of Mr McCoatup.
In a later interview Mr McCoatup was quoted as saying… “Under the streetlights Dobbin looked so much like my girlfriend Sharon, 23, especially the big yellowing teeth… so I thought she’d come to meet me from work and I was only trying to kiss her to say hello.”
The Police horse is currently undergoing therapy but on a positive note PC Plod says that they will both be on duty again over the Easter period and adds that Dobbin has elected to wear lipstick and eye liner in case Mr McCoatup should happen by again.
In an exciting development on Tuesday, a ship arrived at the docks. This special report just in from our in-depth reporting specialist toddler at the scene, Nokia Liam Chavlad, age 5 ½.
“The Sun was shining and the ship was a big one and it was floating and it was yellow and red and had a cargo and was sitting by the big cranes. I watched it for an hour and saw a sailor, age unknown, on the deck who walked out of a door and then into another door. Mummy, 19, said that as there is a ship in she will be going out to work tonight but I don’t know what that means. After that mummy took me to the swings and then I went home for my tea – a Greggs pie and a bottle of Lambrini.”
A West View woman has slightly injured her knee whilst walking upstairs. Ethel Poodlefondler, 47, called our 25 hr news hotline to report this shocking piece of rubbish and demanded £500 for the story but we told her to get lost. We suggested she try the local paper as it’s more their thing and if she is lucky they will repeat the story for a couple of days to fill column inches. We only include the story here as Hartlepool is a small place and not a lot of exciting things happen here which are outside of the realms of tragedy - and we’ve all had enough of that this week with people getting accidentally injured and killed hereabouts.
On a lighter note, the Sun, 4 billion, came up over
Hartlepool this morning and after a day of traversing the skies locally it went down again. The good news is that it is expected to come up once again tomorrow and then to continue rising and setting and warming us every day for the next couple of billion years or so.
And on that happy note it’s goodbye from me, Moira Stewart. I’m off to ITV to work for Michael Grade, 64…
Cheers!
Headlander
