What do I get for ‘Er Indoors?

Thursday in Hartlepool and the Sun is shining, the sky is blue and the air is fresh. No moaning from me this week – I’m actually fairly happy for a change. I’ve had a really quiet week - apart from yesterday when Mrs Headlander’s sister asked me to put up some shelves after seeing the great job I made of our own ones a few weeks ago (Even this went well). I’ve just been told that I’ve got a steak for dinner and I’m looking forward to some quality pub time in the Pint and Fight on Friday evening.

Christmas preparations are in full swing in the Headlander household, as The Christmas Fairy Queen herself (Mrs H) has already bought most of the presents, has ordered the turkey, organised a tree and has found the several boxes of tinsel and baubles from last year. She’s also started buying yet more decorations and has completed the Christmas card list (62 to be posted this year, 44 to be given out by hand) – they’re all written out and placed into neat piles ready to send on the first of December. I’ve asked if we can go Christmas beer shopping but she won’t let me… she says that I’ll drink it all and that then we’ll have to go and get some more for Christmas itself. This foul slur on my character is unfortunately correct - I’m looking hard for the problem with doing it though and finding none, so when I say to her “yes… and?” she calls me a shameless drunkard. I would resent that remark but I resemble it instead.

My major problem at the moment is what do I get her for Christmas? She had no problem choosing something for me – it’s been wrapped up on top of the wardrobe since March! But what do you buy the missus at Christmas – it’s a quandary and no mistake… I suggested breast implants but she said no. I suggested thigh length leather boots but she said no. I suggested a lacy bodice with garters and stockings but she said no. Honestly… three very good suggestions that you think any woman would love to have… but not Mrs H for some reason! “How about a new Hoover”? she suggested, trying to be helpful. “Does it look good in a lacy bodice”? I replied.

So there we have it – I need to buy Mrs H a present for herself and not ‘for the house’ that’ll last (so not drink), isn’t fattening (chocolates) that’s not sexist or offensive (bang goes all my other ideas) and I’m really stuck.

Her main interests are cooking, the outdoors and travel so perhaps I could get her a motorised barbecue on wheels? She could tour the town wearing her chef’s hat with a barbecue strapped to the back of her Honda 50 dispensing charcoaled sausages to grateful shoppers at the January Sales. It’s cold at that time of year so I’ll get her sister to buy her a new pair of slippers to keep her feet warm. Listen out for the cries of “Hot Sausages!” and “I Wish I’d Let The Old Git Buy Me A Lacy Bodice Instead!” around the town centre from January 2nd.

Cheers!

Headlander

p.s… All of Landlord Hugh’s Christmas related jokes were MUCH too risqué for your delicate minds, so here’s one told to me last year by my nephew:

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"