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Headlander is a curmudgeonly old Hartlepudlian who was - and continues to be - educated on a barstool...
...He is a "Grumpy Old Man" of the highest order and amongst the things that he enjoys are drinking at his local - "The Pint and Fight", winding up the current Mrs Headlander, shaking his fist at cars that don't stop at pedestrian crossings and listening to the sound of his own voice.
Along with many other things, he particularly dislikes scented candles, reality television, soaps, wind chimes and small yappy dogs - all of which he believes should be sent out to sea on a leaky boat and used for target practice by the air force.
His long suffering missus goes out to work to keep him in beer and regularly has to stop him from shouting at the television whenever Sharon Osborne's face appears.
In this blog Headlander hopes to share his experiences and thoughts about happenings in and about Hartlepool with everyone... and have a few laughs while doing it. The blog will be updated at least weekly, usually on a Friday, but if he needs to share something then the updates could crop up at any time.
Headlander hopes you enjoy your little look at his world.
I was just standing at the sink doing the washing up (the current Mrs Headlander won't invest in a dishwasher as long as she's married to me) and listening to good old, dependable Radio 2 the other day when a song came spluttering out of the old bakelite tranny that bought back a wave of memories for me...
"Herro and ahhh so" from me, The Dalai Headlander, as I hope to guide you through the stresses and strains of the annual consumerfest argy bargy of pre-Christmas scrummaging... i.e. gift shopping. Whilst the current Mrs Headlander is whipping herself into the usual retail frenzy I am adopting a much more relaxed attitude. I have decided to do Zen Christmas shopping and if you will listen to me, your very own Dalai Headlander, I will share my wisdom and tips on the subject. Whether you want them or not - as usual!
Well, dear reader, I missed an article last week due to having to take a trip to Southampton. I was due back on Thursday night and so should've had plenty of time to regale you with my adventures but due to circumstances beyond my control I had to postpone my return until Friday. This was not an easy or pleasant trip and as usual I would like to share my outrage with you...
Last weekend the current Mrs Headlander and myself took a quick trip to the beautiful environs of West View to visit Mrs H's sister, Camella, as we were invited over to watch the rugby World Cup Final. As we were confident that England were going to easily win the game we decided to stock up with extra drink to ensure that we had plenty of alcohol with which to toast our glorious boys in white-with-a-bit-of-red. So myself and Camella's husband, Boss Hogg, took a trip to the nearest large purveyor of fine beers, wines and spirits... Netto.
On a quiet night like tonight I like nothing more than running my fingers lightly over the front of Nigella... now before you all start wondering if I'm one lucky Headlander who is having an affair with TV's Domestic Goddess I need to tell you that Nigella is actually what I have named my Laptop - because it looks lovely, is a joy to touch and responds to my every need... well, my computing ones anyway!
I need some help to find the answers to a serious issue that has been gnawing away at my insides. To whit: Why Darlo? By that I mean who wants to live in Darlington when you’ve got the thriving seaside community of Hartlepool down the road with its thriving Marina, lovely coal encrusted beaches and delightful nightspots?
Well, as you may have heard, his nibs is away off on his travels again… so I’m getting some peace and quiet for one whole week instead of getting woken up every morning by “Shrek” or “guffy” as I call him, moaning about the weather and life in general. Just think of Victor Meldrew and times that by ten and you’ll get the picture of the miserable old fella that I live with.
This week a new local award scheme has been announced… the Pride in Hartlepool awards, which are being run by our local council. The scheme is designed ''to ensure that individuals have a chance to earn some deserved recognition for their efforts to make the town a better place". Well whoop tee doo!
Hands up those of you who have accounts at the Northern Rock then? What? None of you? Well I don’t blame you either... OK then – hands up all those who used to have accounts at the Northern Rock… Ah that’s better… I can see plenty of hands now.
The Pint and Fight lived up to its name this week... we had a real fight break out in the bar on Tuesday night. Not a little scuffle between 2 guys who are full of words and insults and are being held back by their mates whilst struggling not quite hard enough to break free - but a real blood-and-snot-flying punching match between 2 lads.
This week I humbly offer you an advanced astrological service. Cosmic vibrations have entered my being and I, Mystic Headlander, am going to commune with the universe to channel details of all the latest heavenly happenings… letting you know how they will affect your lives. Just wait as I slip on my purple robe covered in sequins and uncover my crystal ball… ooh, that’s better… the mists are clearing… quickly… cross my palm with plastic…
Well... how was it for you then? The last Bank Holiday until Christmas (Sorry to use the C word before December) has passed us by - and as a bonus the summer weather finally arrived. If you’re lucky enough to have a job what did you decide to do with the extra day off?
Mrs Headlander has left me... It's official! She's packed a bag and has scarpered off to another country to 'have a good time' she says. Normally I'd be pretty devastated but I'm coping quite well... particularly as I know that she'll be back on Monday as she's only run away to attend a friend's hen night.
This week I've been out for a drink with an old mate of mine... the legend that is Big Nige. He's been in the area visiting some friends who reside in that lovely theme park to the North of us (I think it's called Geordieland) so I had to pop up there to meet him and his missus for a Saturday lunchtime drinking session before they headed back to their little love shack in the North West.
Walking across the big road junction of Gateway Bridge and Church Street earlier in the week I was gratified to see that a large hoarding has finally appeared telling us Hartlepudlians that our new transport interchange is to be constructed soon, joining together bus, coach, rail and taxi services all in one place. Hooray... I think!
Well here's some shocking news for us all to think about: I've just read an article that says that Hartlepool and East Durham are "two of the worst areas for animal cruelty". I assume this means in the country, although the article is not specific on that point (I've tried to get a copy of the stats from the RSPCA to check this out in detail but I can't get them because I'm not a journalist... thanks RSPCA). Blimey - I knew that it was bad everywhere but I wasn't aware that we were among the worst offenders in the country.
Over many beers in our local hostelry of choice, The Pint and Fight, us locals all like to sit (or stand) around the bar chewing the fat and mulling over the events of the week. As usual for a basic boozer the discussions can be pretty varied and interesting...
Soon, so I am told, I will only be getting my household rubbish collected every 2 weeks. Well whoop de doo. Instead of my weekly trip out with my green bin I’m going to be forced to recycle. This means that I will then have a lovely selection of receptacles for my rubbish - a white bag, a green bin and a brown bin. Will I be paid for the extra work required to sort out my rubbish into categories and put it into bins? Of course I won’t…
First of all let me state one thing… I am a professional pedestrian and always have been. I’ve never learnt to drive; living around here there’s really no need to. Walking is healthy and fun… the only time I ever wished that I owned a car is when leaving Asda with 6 bags of shopping and heading for the bus stop in the rain...
What beautiful weather we’ve been having this week. I would like to suggest that all this rain has been good for the garden but unless you own a rice paddy then that’s probably not true.
In a few days time the no smoking ban will finally be introduced to workplaces and enclosed public areas in England. As usual with anything contentious, the government have tested out the policy in other countries in the British Isles first... and SHOCK! HORROR! It worked!
After suffering a very bad attack of food poisoning earlier in the year (which was, I’m afraid, attributed to a local restaurant) I am heartened to see that a new scheme has been setup to rate the hygiene in all food premises in our area.
Sometimes Hartlepool really delights me with how good it can be to live here - We've got lots of green spaces, a fairly efficient council, a good standard of social housing, a brewery, some good museums and heritage sites and if you look hard enough then you can find just about everything you need here... Not all that you want, but all that you need. I spend quite a lot of time in Middlesbrough for one reason or another and I meet people there who seriously say that I’m lucky to live in Hartlepool. They want to live here.
Having a bit of free time (and a hangover from a session at the Pint and Fight on Sunday night) I needed a quiet diversion to while away the daylight hours on Monday. Darkness was the thing needed to help with the head, so after consulting the current Mrs Headlander a trip to the cinema was decided upon.
There's no avoiding it any longer... we have a problem here in Hartlepool that just isn't being addressed properly. Adult education. I keep running into the thick and ignorant on my daily ramblings round the town. Perhaps I’m just unlucky…
Anyone who reads this twaddle regularly will know that my great passion is food and beer... No wait a minute... my TWO great passions are food, beer and moaning... hang on now - my THREE great passions are food, beer, moaning and old Monty Python sketches. Well anyway… being a fat bloke means that food is my greatest passion and as usual I've got definite opinions on the matter, particularly food served to us in local restaurants where we spend our hard earned cash (or nash)!
What is this latest fashion craze that is sweeping the country (well.. Hartlepool anyway)! Young and middle aged women have decided that the “in thing” is to go out wearing an item of pregnancy clothing…the Pinafore dress!
Well I’m back from my break in Scotland and I’ve been catching up on the news courtesy of our reliable “organ of truth” the Hartlepool Mail. In amongst the usual stories of convictions for shoplifting and continuing football success (well done Pools by the way!) was a brilliant one about a lady who is being visited by aliens.
As he said last week, Mr Headlander and his long suffering spouse are having a break out of town this week. They’ve gone for a drinking week up in Scotland and they’ve asked me to stand in for them. No problem here – I’ve got lots and lots to sound off about. I’m also uploading this a bit early as I’ll be too busy on Thursday or Friday making money… heh heh heh!
As any resident of our little North Eastern Paradise will be aware – Hartlepool is lousy with restaurants… Hang on a minute let’s clarify this a bit… that doesn’t mean that it’s lousy for restaurants or that it’s a lousy town with restaurants, it simply means that it’s a town with a lot of restaurants. Phew - Cleared that one up I hope!
Ding ding… fares please…”Two to the local park please Mr Conductor… What? Three farthings each? That’s a bit steep isn’t it?” Once upon a time Granddad & Grandmama Headlander may have travelled this way to the park for their Saturday constitutional. But, with a few exceptions… not anymore!
If you’re reading this soon after publication, welcome to Friday 13th. One comes around every few months and it’s the day where superstitious plonkers everywhere delight in telling us sensible folks that we all have to be very careful or a great misfortune will befall us. We all secretly know that this is a lot of superstitious claptrap but conversely we all secretly like to play along for a bit of fun.
Good evening and here is the Ten o’ Clock news, read by Moira Stewart…
… “Today a hard working, long serving female news reader was fired from the BBC for allegedly being too old and ugly to face the TV cameras anymore. Moira Stewart, 55, from London, was said to be ‘very distraught’ at the loss of her job but her future was saved after the offer of a promising career move reading the news on a new North Eastern television channel - MHTV, Monkey Hanger Television, based in the lovely tropical paradise of Hartlepool…
Crime has struck in our beloved town again! A drug addict has stolen the charity money which passers by throw into the bowl that’s held by the brass monkey mounted by the inner lock gates at the Marina. Fortunately the powers that be have seen fit to jail the nasty miscreant for 60 days.
Brriiinnnggg!!! At 6:30 am on Tuesday morning the alarm clock rang in my ears and I arose and readied myself for the exciting day that lay ahead of me. An important day this and one that had me excited with expectation all week… I was off on a quick errand to the lovely hamlet of Middlesbrough.
Anyone up for a nice chat and (probably) a free cup of tea? Well, being the centre of world events that it is, Hartlepool is hosting a half day seminar next Tuesday to help local firms and other organisations plan in the event of a terrorist attack – and it’s FREE! If you’ve nothing better to do you then you just might want to get yourself along and ask what your hair salon can do to prepare for a terrorist outrage.
How happy am I this week? Answer: VERY! Loads of awful programmes featuring premium rate ‘phone lines have been withdrawn. Unfortunately it seems that this is only on a temporary basis.
What has happened to politeness in this lovely little town of ours? In fact I’ll extend that – what’s happened to it everywhere in England? Whilst the average man or woman in the street is usually friendly, nice and helpful with a quick smile and ready wit, in some cases it seems that when you put these people in a uniform their smiley attitude can quickly disappear.
Myself, Mrs Headlander, her sister Camella and brother in law Boss Hogg were sat around having a quiet drink last night watching the footy on the telly – Newcastle were playing a Belgian side called The Zulus or something similar - when I threw out the old challenge… “Can anyone think of the names of ten famous Belgians?”
Bloody Valentine’s Day indeed! Over the past few weeks, the Mem-Sahib drilled into my little grey cells that she was buying me a puppy for Valentine’s Day. What’s more – it would be a Spaniel as she knows that I adore them… I get all gooey and start going aaahhh a lot whenever I see one.
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