Wednesday , January 23 2019
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Big Girls You Are Beautiful

Well, as you may have heard, his nibs is away off on his travels again; so I’m getting some peace and quiet for one whole week instead of getting woken up every morning by ‘Shrek’ or ‘guffy’ as I call him, moaning about the weather and life in general.

Just think of Victor Meldrew and times that by ten and you’ll get the picture of the miserable old fella that I live with. As he is away partying on a stag do, I thought that I’d ask some of the lasses who have moved out of the town to come home for the weekend for a little aperitif, so after a few phone calls and emails several of them agreed to come and stay the weekend. One of them, my old friend Janet, was bearing exciting news – it turns out that the night before they arrived she had got engaged. Her man has flown abroad with his job so instead of choosing the ring along with her he gave her a wad of cash and told her to treat herself; and if she saw an engagement ring then to get one!

She went straight to the off license and bought a bottle of Vodka! I’m not sure that was what her boyfriend intended as her treat although that would do for starters for us all. Vodka jellies here we come. The next day the five of us all met up in town and went shopping for the engagement ring for Janet. This was not an easy task as we soon found out – I mean how hard can it be to go into a shop, try one on, buy it and take it home?… 8 different bloody jewellers shops we were in and then out of again!!! Janet is no size zero by any stretch of the imagination – try adding a two or even a three in front of that and you get the picture. But we never expected size to be a problem when shopping for a ring for heaven’s sake! The skinny assistants in the first 3 shops we were in patronisingly said that they could ‘order it in for you but that will take up to 6 weeks and that’s if they can do your size’. Nice eh? It’s a good job that Janet hasn’t got a complex or anything. We even went in to see if that ‘fine upper-class jeweller’ Lizzie Dukes had anything that would fit her and it became a little bit of embarrassing for her (but hysterically funny for the rest of us) when the device that they measure your ring size with got stuck on her finger. Eventually we admitted defeat and decided to give up the ring shopping as a bad job and go clothes shopping instead – as we had all been skimming our men’s pockets for weeks before (don’t tell Mr H). Well as Janet is such a big lass there were only two shops in Middleton Grange that could cater to her requirements – the posh boutiques that are Bon Marche and Evans. On the positive side at least we’ve got two clothes shops for big ladies in Middleton Grange, but apart from charity shops and Gregg’s they haven’t really got much else.

The Mission was a great success thanks to the sale rails and the tiny hip flasks that periodically appeared from our handbags. Shopping bags in hand it was then off to the Pint and Fight for a quiet drink. Well I say quiet! it was quiet when we went in there but by the time Landlord Hugh chucked us out (Janet was dancing on the table – we managed to save her just before it broke) we had the place jumping. Next morning we were all a wee bit rough and decided that to clear our heads we needed a walk to get some fresh air. Well; we walked as far as the bus stop round the corner anyway – and got the bus to the Marina for a liquid lunch. While we were deciding which bar would provide breakfast in the form of white wine and a bag of crisps, we spotted a little shop called Curios House (next to the chippy), which, upon entry,  we found contained lots of lovely little jewels and gems and not a chavvy piece of jewellery in sight.

Janet, who was still a bit down and hung over, was talking to the assistant when she suddenly started shouting , pointing and screaming and lo and behold, just like cinders and her glass slipper (talking about cinders Mr H is due back tomorrow and the house needs cleaning) the first ring that she tried on fitted her. I’m not saying that it will ever come off like but it’s on there now! Just remember every time you hear Mika’s song Big Girls you are Beautiful, think of Janet and her ring and no I do not mean Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire although we did go for a curry later that night! Well best be off folks, It’s time to start planning the Xmas decorations as Santa will be here soon, well Mr H is getting on a bit, has a big belly and he does have grey hair, but not a lot of Ho Ho Ho as you all know!


Mrs Headlander

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