This week I humbly offer you an advanced astrological service. Cosmic vibrations have entered my being and I, Mystic Headlander, am going to commune with the universe to channel details of all the latest heavenly happenings letting you know how they will affect your lives. Just wait as I slip on my purple robe covered in sequins and uncover my crystal ball ooh, thats better the mists are clearing quickly cross my palm with plastic
Capricorn: 22 December – 20 January.Look Out… there’s traffic about! Remember to the use the Green Cross code – ’cause I won’t be there when YOU cross the road said Dave Prowse on the telly in the 1970s. Good advice this, especially as at some point during this week you will be walking along a pavement and many cars, lorries and even buses will be driving past you. Whatever you do dont step out in front of one without looking. I forecast that if you do then you will be taken to hospital hows about that for accuracy then eh Aquarius: 20 January – 18 February.Isnt it lucky you being an Aquarian and everything. By chance Tuesday marks the dawning of the Age of Aquarius so you may feel an overwhelming urge to dress as a hippy and sing terrible musicals all day. Dont panic, it will all be over by Tuesday night as the Age of Consent will begin first thing on Wednesday morning – so remember to ask her politely before doing that thing with the bockwurst again. Lucky instrument: Kazoo.
Pisces: 19 February – 21 March.Being a Piscean you probably smell of fish or maybe you dont at the moment but you soon will after your partner demands to have jellied eels smeared all over his/her body on Friday night. You will awake Saturday morning to the sound of miaowing and will open the curtains to find 200 cats surrounding the house. Heres my advice – stay in or be eaten. Call your brother and ask him to pop over with his pit bull. Oh and take a shower you smelly thing you!
Aries: 21 March – 21 April.Uranus is rising for you this week – this means that you are either a gymnast or are planning to pay a visit to “that club” again. Don’t forget the gimp mask. Lucky cream: Preparation H.
Taurus: 21 April – 21 May.You really are a messy eater arent you! There will be food and drink stains on your clothes this week. You really must learn how to eat nicely with just the one arm. If you have two arms then dont eat chocolate whilst you are in a Sauna. Later in the week you will be incapacitated by stomach problems but thats OK because your sink is close by your toilet so your head reaches easily. Lucky actor: Mel Gibson.
Gemini: 21 May – 22 June.On Wednesday you will be sitting having a cup of tea and a biscuit when your front doorbell will ring. On your doorstep will be a nice man from Npower who is not selling anything. Invite this poor, hard working not salesman in for a custard cream and inquire if he would like to have a glance at your dungeon room in the cellar. When he has fled screaming, call Npower and ask them to send another cause this ones broken – you will never hear from them again.
Cancer: 22 June – 23 July.You may be dying of cancer… sorry but there it is. The only way to find out for sure and maybe save your foolish soul is to believe unthinkingly in my forecasts and then call my 1.50 a minute hotline for more detailed information. You may still die anyway but at least Ill be rich.
Leo: 23 July – 23 August.You are on a quest to find out what is causing your mysterious compulsion to drink Lager. I recommend that you conduct research by going to your local public house and buying a few quarts. After ten or so pints you will be cured but may have developed another compulsion to eat a really hot curry. Remember to put the toilet rolls in the fridge before you go out tonight. Lucky hangover cure: Gin served over Cornflakes.
Virgo: 23 August – 23 September.I can safely predict that it is your birthday sometime between 23rd August and 23rd September well Happy Birthday! Cards will be arriving through the post and if you are a man and particularly lucky, shell let you out for a pint.
Libra: 23 September – 23 October.You narrowly avert a crisis this week when your television starts picking up a channel that seems to be broadcast from Mars. Just relax its called Channel 5 and yes the programs really are that bad. Lucky soap: Home & Away.
Scorpio: 23 October – 22 November.The forecast for you is uncertain this week maybe I cant even be sure of that. Some things that I can predict though next week will have seven days and they will all end in a Y. Stay alive or youll be dead. If Hartlepool put the ball in the net it will be a goal.
Sagittarius: 22 November – 22 December.Things just cant get any better for you! Being a Sagittarian you are a perfect specimen of humanity. You are kind, generous, lusted after by the opposite sex and remain one of the loveliest human beings on Earth. Oh yes and you share your star sign with Mystic Headlander what a lucky person you really are.
Ophiuchus: November 30 – December 17.This is a constellation that has been upgraded by some newer astrologists to be a zodiacal sign. It seems that the star signs as we know them have all been given new start and finish dates and that Ophiuchus has been mashed in between Nov 30 and Dec 17. If you are lucky enough to be an Ophiuchian then you are probably either a scumbag who deserves to burn in hell for being a new age hippy or a lovely angel who loves peace and all things gentle. Either way you need to take fewer drugs. Grow up! Wait the mists are closing in again I can feel the vibes wearing off No Help! It just cant be true! Im starting to believe that astrology is all a pile of superstitious hogwash. Can this really be right Only a moment ago I was convinced that billions of stars each composed of 20 billion billion billion tons of burning Hydrogen placed many light years away were somehow influencing the way I live, my personality and the forthcoming events in my life. Blimey that Absinthe is good stuff!
Headlander (ex Mystic Headlander)