Thursday , October 18 2018
Home / Headlander's Blog / Spanking the Monkey

Spanking the Monkey

Crime has struck in our beloved town again! A drug addict has stolen the charity money which passers by throw into the bowl thats held by the brass monkey mounted by the inner lock gates at the Marina. Fortunately the powers that be have seen fit to jail the nasty miscreant for 60 days.

It turns out that the delightful chap in question also stole someones handbag from the Lotus Garden restaurant the next day and it also turns out that he has a string of convictions this year for theft as long as a very long arm and its only March for heavens sake! For this theft he got another 60 days. He was already on a community order requiring him to undergo drug rehabilitation. Sounds to me like a scheme thats obviously working well doesnt it

Drugs are gradually destroying our society you may remember an article from some time ago in which the denizens of that finest of fine watering holes the Pint and Fight decided that drugs should be made free so that theft of money and goods for their purchase would stop.

Assuming that the Government wont see sense and put this policy on the statute books in the form of a law I would like to question here the leniency of our judicial system with regard to these types of crime – most people are sick of reading about them. What can we do to improve things well here are a few ideas!

The first thing to be addressed is where does sympathy and treatment for someone with a medical need (addiction) end and punishment begin Well How about if you turn down help for your addiction and get convicted of a drug related theft or assault then you will be immediately locked up under cold turkey conditions until cured – or otherwise. If you accept help and get convicted then you will get some drugs to help you get clean whilst locked up under medical supervision (perhaps we could call this treatment cold chicken as its not as big a deal as cold turkey). Once again you wont be released until clean.

We constantly hear of people with a string of previous convictions being convicted again. This particular charity money theft in Hartlepool has resulted in a 120 day sentence in prison after which the convict will emerge, be unemployable, undoubtedly re-offend and go through the cycle again and again. Under my regime, after going through the cold turkey (or cold chicken) cure -if you are strong enough to survive of course – re offending could mean deportation from Britain to a nice location such as Iraqi territorial waters where some friendly Iranian sailors who just happen to be passing may take you hostage and we wont petition for your release but will leave them a nice note telling them of your thefts they might cut your hands off under their legal system. Or if you dont fancy that as a sentence we could parachute you into Zimbabwe, after tattooing I hate Robert Mugabe on your forehead. Once again a sure-fire way of getting a fair trial and an understanding sentence and its all cost free to us good folks once youre gone from Britain for good. Convicts enjoy!

Once again assuming that the Nanny State wont allow the introduction of such draconian measures as these we need to look at what else we can do to alleviate the pain. At the point of conviction of these toe-rags, clever lawyers always play what they think is a trump card and try to make the Judge feel sympathy for the accused with such gems as The defendant was from a broken home or he was from a deprived background They bemoan how their client was not responsible for their actions but that everybody (or indeed anybody!) else is. Listen carefully legal scum – Frankly who cares! The great majority of people from these kinds of unfortunate backgrounds turn out OK. I would suggest that you get about the same number of criminal idiots from these backgrounds as from other, more privileged upbringings. Putting it simply, an assh*le is an assh*le no matter how you look at it or where he comes from. If lawyers have to result to this slimy wheedling then I would suggest that the Judge should increase the sentence of the defendant and add on some punishment for the lawyer this kind of mitigation of sentence must stop.

Take note you weak hearted politicians – we are clearly too lenient with these people. Whilst these tongue in cheek (or are they) policies are just a bit extreme, they should highlight the fact that the system needs to be re-weighted towards the victims and that the dregs of society need to be dealt with harshly for the sake of the innocent, infirm and frightened. Grrrrr



Check Also

In the Ghetto… Sorry I meant Netto

Last weekend the current Mrs Headlander and myself took a quick trip to the beautiful …