The Valentine’s Day Massacre

Bloody Valentines Day indeed! Over the past few weeks, the Mem-Sahib drilled into my little grey cells that she was buying me a puppy for Valentines Day. Whats more it would be a Spaniel as she knows that I adore them I get all gooey and start going aaahhh a lot whenever I see one.

Initially I kept pleading with her not to do it as wed have to change our lifestyle round quite a lot to accommodate it but she insisted that was what I was getting and she talked me round by starting a war of attrition and beating me down (Im sure she wanted one as well).

On the fateful Valentines Day morning the Goddess of the Dawn got up for work at six o clock as usual and scrabbled around the house like a whirlwind whilst I lay in bed listening to the radio and hiding. I stay in my pit for an extra hour to make sure that shes cleared the building (shes not good at mornings and, to avoid the rough end of her tongue, I keep clear for the first hour whilst she spends 58 minutes in the bathroom followed by 1 min dressing and 1 min for breakfast).

By now I was super convinced that I was getting a wee doggie and was quite looking forward to its arrival later in the day. She came back into the bedroom, said goodbye and went off to get her bus – sending me a text as she walked out of the door which told me woof woof go and look in the greenhouse. I sprang out of bed, put on the minimum of clothes and ran outside to greet my new canine pal.

As I opened the greenhouse door I was hit by a blast of warm air – the heater was switched on and there, under the forced tomatoes, was a lovely little doggie. Not a real one a stuffed bloody toy one. To say my feelings were mixed is an understatement It was a very nice soft toy with a lovely message written on its tongue but after a month of winding me up I was really, really looking forward to being a dog owner.

The thing that Mrs H didnt know was that I was so convinced that I had a puppy coming my way that I had bought a dog basket, a large sack of dog food, a fluffy blanket, a dog coat, a collar & lead, a book about King Charles spaniels and a video on dog training and I had to take it all back! After doing this I sent her a text back thanking her for her lovely present.

What did you get Mrs H for Valentines Day I hear you cry Well, I handmade her a tasteful card and we had a romantic evening of soft lights, dinner cooked by me (pork chops romantic or what eh) whilst listening to soft music and drinking a few bottles of plonk. I know how to really romance a filly me

She enjoyed the meal and the wine and we retired to bed where we fell asleep drunk. We were both off work today and so had a lie in to 8 o clock.

When Mrs H. shifted her stumps from her pit she started doing her usual ablutions and I sent her a text asking her to look in the freezer. This she did, where she found a cuddly little stuffed spaniel trussed up oven ready style and frozen solid. Woof woof indeed! The scream echoed round the house for a full 10 seconds. The laugh that I expected did not come even when I was trying to explain that its only a puppet.

Sammy Spaniel (male oriented aaaarrrrggghh here!) for that is his name apparently; has now been thawed out and resides on top of the wardrobe with three teddy bears, a cuddly Viking and a Muppet Beaker character. She didnt find the prank very funny at all and has told me that I shouldve bought a kennel as its me who is in the doghouse! Ho hum looks like Im going to have another week of chores, flowers and chocolates as atonement.

Cheers!

Headlander